Angel's rantings

11:19PM - Ask and You Shall Recieve

It appears as though I really DO NOT need the world to shit on me as I AM perfectly capable of screwing up my life on my own. Fancy that.

Good idea: Going out and getting drunk with an old friend.
Bad idea: Hooking up with an old friend while drunk.

Mostly a bad idea because, as I have mentioned before, I SUCK at dealing with hook-ups. And if it had been somebody else, than things could continue on in the predictable fashion (IE: Boy says he'll call, boy doesn't call, girl freaks out, boy never talks to girl again), but no. It had to be the friend that you've known since Elementary school, that became a good drinking buddy in your teens, and has always been an all round great guy. Such a great guy in fact that you're having a harder and harder time understanding why a girl would want to cheat on him and leave him after X amount of years. Such a great guy, that you can already tell that it's gonna be really hard to not fall for him even under normal circumstances, which in my reality, never exist.

On the one hand he's like one of your best friends, and you really don't want to lose that because you made a mistake when you were drunk and lonely. On the other hand, you're lonely and he's a really great guy that you've known for like, ever, and have had a minor crush on throughout the years. This is one of those situations where you actually wish that the sex had been bad, so you have a very good reason to never do that again, and then you can still remain friend,s and just never talk about "that night".

So now I'm have to figure out how to process this information in my head, and stop thinking about it before it drives me crazy. Oh, wait... I forgot. I already am crazy!

6:58PM - Existential-who?

I got this book from the library called "Understanding Existentialism". Don't ask me why. Maybe it was cuz it was silver and shiny, maybe it was out of this absurd desire i have right now to read books that make you look smart.

I've made it to chapter 2, barely. The only things that I've understood so far is when the author is quoting from "Famous Existentialists" works. In chapter 2 he even criticizes Heidegger's language, saying it is hard to understand, when I have no idea what this guy, Jack Reynolds is saying so far. No to mention that every second paragraph ends with "as we will learn further on in the book", or "see below". He spends more time referencing himself than he does actually explaining anything.

I'm gonna push through and read the damn book, if only to find out the titles of book that these other guys have written so that I can read them and possibly understand it better.

Understanding Existentialism.... I understood it better before I started reading the damn thing...

11:15PM - The Sun Was Shining

I went outside today. In the sun. On my day off. And I did stuff that I planned to do. Aren't I just taking huge steps into normaldom.

Well, I got some stuff that I wanted to get done done. I went tanning, I picked up the thing I ordered from the Pet Store, and changed my car insurance to Vancouver. I tried to get stuff done at Home Hardware, but that place was like a hole in the wall, and far too busy to answer my questions. I'll just go to Home Depot on Saturday. I even went to the library, picked out a couple of books and got a library card. Yay!! Books to read!!

And then, I was even nice enough to take some stuff out to my sister, who promised me cookies, and then got lost on the way home...

I still haven't gotten to the fabric store yet though, but that can still wait. It's not like it's urgent....

9:19PM - Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know

How does one become less insecure? Oh! I know!! Stop handing out my heart to any stupid guy that walks by!! That might help.

But that's easier said then done, now isn't it. Apparently you're not allowed to have hope that one day, one of those idiots will be your "Prince Charming". You're not allowed to believe that somewhere out there, there is a guy that is perfect for you and will need/want you as much as you do him.

Actually, I should cut out the want part. They all want me, they just don't need me. They want me cuz I can pretend that I'm really cool and fun, but as soon as we hit the sheets I become one of "those" girls. The one's that get all clingy and crazy when you casually walk away the next day, the type that actually believe every word you say and expect you to follow through on it.

The only thing with me is that I've been through it so much, that I expect it and quite often stubbornly refuse to let that happen to me. I've been blown off so many times by guys that don't have the balls to even say it didn't work out for them, that I will poke and prode to try to get a response out of them. Which of course only makes things worse. All I want is for them to grow some balls and let me know that it's over...

9:18PM - Creative Irony

You would think that being depressed or recently dumped would be outrageously good for my poetry writing, yet I have written hardly anything in a year or two. Which is funny considering I keep saying that I am in need of a creative outlet to help me deal with my emotions. My problem is I don't feel like doing anything. It's even a lot of effort just to write a blog. I can think up stuff in my head and go, "I should really go blog this!" but I don't want to go to the computer and type it out, or I'm in the car or at work and just can't at that time. Yet everything else that I used to do as a creative outlet, I find uninteresting or requires too much effort.

The majority of people who are depressed don't feel that they can do anything because they are worthless and such, I don't want to do anything because it requires moving and thought. Does that make me just lazy? I've been so depressed some days that all I want to do is sleep because it requires less effort and I don't have to think about anything, my sub-conscience does it all for me. I just don't want to think some days.

Maybe because it's thinking that gets me into this trouble in the first place. I think too much. I over-analyze just about everything. I always have to think of the different out comes that this choice could have, or what if this happens, or what if I had done this differently. My brain is filled with what-ifs from pathways that I never will follow, just in case. And knowing how things could have been had everything been "perfect" makes me sad...

9:17PM - To Buy a New or Move an Old

TV that is. I have a perfectly good TV at home. A 28" I do believe, that i got a few years ago when I worked at Walmart, and it works great, it's nothing fancy though, it doesn't have picture in picture, or HD, but it works, and that's good enough for me. Except it's bulky and heavy, and there is no way I can lift it alone, so moving it out here in my car is out of the question. So I either have to wait till I have enough room and can convince my dad to come down with a load of crap in the Van, or I could buy a new TV, preferebbly something lighter (ie: Skinnier). There are a few decent sized one's that I could get for under or around $600, but do I want to fork out the cash for a shiny new LCD flat screen TV?

9:16PM - Confessions of a Crazy Girl

I don't like to do hook-up's. I suck at them. I can't remain emotionally detatched, and there for always do get attatched, and then never know how to act the next morning. "Did he not enjoy himself? Is that why he seems more distant today?" "If I play it too cool, will he think that I didn't enjoy myself?" "If I act too cuddly and happy will he think I'm like that psyco clingy chick from The Wedding Crashers?"

Then there's having to deal with the ride home. You can usually fake some chit chat while in the car, but how do you say goodbye? Should you kiss, hug, say "Thanks, I'll see ya later!"

The whole thing is just far too stressful for me. Especially if it's a guy that you do like, but you don't entirly know what the situation is. A guy that you know you'd get along great with cuz you totally dig his sarcastic side, and can act totally retarded around because he's gonna act the same way. Someone who you've known for awhile, and you've been flirting up a storm for the past few weeks, but don't know very much about them as a person. Then there's the whole paranoia issue: Dude!! This guy you used to have a thing for is now chasing you like mad. Is this some kind of very cruel joke? He has the same freinds as your ex, there must be something fishy about it. And if there isn't, you're so gonna screw this up somehow. Cuz that's what I do. I fuck things up by being over analiytical, or super clingy...

7:13PM - World on a string...?

Isn't it funny how the ones that people admire most, the ones people think must have the world on a string, are the most fucked up?

Most of my life, I've heard how pretty I am, how smart I am, that I would make a great catch. Yet I have yet to find someone who acts upon that. Here I am, 29, pretty, funny, smart, single, and supposed to be having the time of my life. And all I want is for things to be simple and laid out for me, to be happily married with little children, have a cute little house, and to know that everything is going to be dandy. I was so born like, 30 years too late. I know I would be in my hayday if things were as they had been in the 50's.

But now, at the supposed "peak of my life", I am surrounded by loving friends and family, I feel so utterly alone and isolated. And I don't know why. I don't think myself as unworthy. I know I have the love and support of many, but still that does not seem to comfort me. Even on such a nice day as today, when my caring Uncle helped my sister and I move some of her boxes into storage, so that I can have more space in my new place, something that I've desired greatly, I am so utterly low.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, or hungry, or lacking in some vitamin or another. Or maybe it was watching the great love scenes, on The Tudors. even watching the religious turmoils on The Tudors has me upset, and I totally agree with the direction that the king took, in moving away from the greediness and corruption of the Roman Church during that era. Almost makes me wish I was religious in some way. Which is just absurd.

Although there have been a few times when I have inwardly cried out to someone, something, to ask why I feel as I do, why I feel so unloved, when I know full well that there are many that love me dearly. I feel like my whole life i have beened promised love, but have never truly recieved it. I totally blame Hollywood for making Love seem so glamorous and wonderful, when really it can be trully cruel and painful. And making it seem as though love is "The One" and "Forever" when love can be fleeting and temporary. That one day a prince will come and sweep you off your feet and carry you to his castle.

Is it wrong to want to be a simple house wife? Is it even more wrong to want to be a 50's house wife cuz of the cool outfits? :)

Is it wrong to just want someone to except me for who and how I am? To want someone to put thier arms around me and make me feel safe, wanted, loved, and protected?

Is it wrong to not want to feel like your heart is broken almost every day?

7:16AM - Writer's Block: Where in the World...

If I were indepedently wealthy, I would live in Italy, and I would spend my time exploring the whole country seeing all the anchient ruins. And when I wasn't doing that I would relax in my lovely home on the Mediterranian Sea.

6:53PM - 3 More Days!!

3 more days and I get to go home!! Yay!! Not for good though :( Although I am quite enjoying myself out here on the coast, it just isn't home. Well, at least not yet. Maybe after I've been here for a few months, and have a place I can actually call my own, and have my kitty here to keep me company at night, then it will feel more like A home. But Kamloops is still home home.

And it's my birthday on Saturday!! YAY!!! I get to become a cougar in training!! At least I'm a damn hot 29 year old. That's one thing to enjoy. The being single part, I'm still not sure about. it's Ok, but not really what I want. I'm getting to that point where girls can make really stupid decisions based on what they wanted for thier future when they were young, and not based on what is good for them right now. And right now, not being in a relationship is definitly better for me. Please remind me of that next time I say I found the perfect guy...

Man, I have this throbbing headache that is so from my walk up the hill from the bus stop. Sometimes it is really hard to breathe going up that hill. I don't know why, there is no congestion in my lungs, but it still feels heavy to breathe. And my sternum hurts too. And my throat from the breathing. I should go to the doctor... Maybe...

6:28PM - Strangely Lucky Week

This week I: got invited to Hawaii, got a new cell phone and can get a free 4GB memory card that I can also use in my camera, and got a promotion/raise at work.

I sceptically wondering where all this good luck has been hiding, and why it decided to come out in the same week. I'm also wondering if it's all used up now, will continue, or I will now have to deal with a back lash or bad luck to counteract it.

My Aunt is going to Hawaii April 2-9th, and as it is over my birthday, decided it would be cool to invite me to come along. I have to pay for my airfare and stuff, but I have a place to stay if I wanted to go. My parent's then said they would pay for the airfare as a birthday present for me. I'm like, well, when else am I gonna get the chance to go to Hawaii, except after I'm old and married and the kids have all grown and moved away.

I then got promoted to Assistant Manger at my job. This includeds a $1 raise. My first day at the new position, I was left alone in the store for 3 hours, and then had to train a new guy (yes, guy in a girls clothing store so you can imagine that I had to teach him ALOT), all while the store was fairly busy. I also managed to do 111% of our plan for that day, and sold 4 prestige cards. Depending on how they did today, it will be the best or second best day all week.

The cell phone, was just I was browsing at them and got convinced to get it. I got a Sony Ericson W810i. It looks like a camera on the back and a phone on the front. Takes good quality pics too, with options that are just like my Sony digital camera so I totally understand them already. It plays MP3's at the push of a button, and is just generally snazzy. AND because I signed up for the 3 year service plan, I get a free 4GB Memory Stick Duo Pro, which is the same kind that goes in my Song digital camera. So now I can take TONNES of pictures in Hawaii with my camera or my phone.

I wonder what will happen next?

10:39PM - The Shoes I Shouldn't Have Bought...

But, but, but... They're so cute... And I've been eyeing them up for MONTHS now!! And they were regular $139.99 and I got them for $64.98!!!

And!!! I didn't really get myself a frivilous Christmas Gift this year!

So, my M/C payment will be a day late (but not a buck short).

7:38PM - Umm...

My socks smell.

Just thought I'd share.

Since no one cares anyways...

4:43PM - You NEED to come to my Message Board!!!

You absolutly NEED to!!!
Cuz I'm bored. And it's basically just me on there. And that makes me look very pathetic :(



Please.
Pretty please.

11:51AM - Guh

My intestines are so full, I feel like throwing up. It's a rather gross feeling. Like you're hung over and constipated, but without the drinking the night before. It's very unpleasant, and I thought I would share. Cheers

5:58PM - Why I shouldn't be left alone with a pair of scissors at 4am

I chopped like 5 inches off my hair. Got tired of the fried ends and just chopped. It feels so short now...

Also, I set of the Christmas tree today.

1:31AM - Have you... Scrobbled?

Last FM tracks the tracks you've played on your computer and you can post them just like this:



It's it cool!?!?! It can even do your ipod!!

You should join and then click on the box and add me. Then we can see how musically compatible we are :)

11:52PM - Job

And, for those of you that don't know, I have a job at Suzy Shier. And next week I get to pretend I'm a keyholder (fancy term for almost management) or "Third Key" (a step below assistant manger). But only for the week. But in the new year it will be fairly permenent... If you can call maternity leave permanent. But you never know she might not come back... Or the current third key might not be able to handle it and then I'll get to be assistant manager.

I also can't wait to find out how much I'm getting paid. And for my discount card so that I can go to Van and use it at Stitches and Sirens. I love Sirens... They have awsome slutty bar clothes :)

11:45PM - By the way...

I switched my journal page on my website to a blog. Cuz I was into it at the time... No, because I basically get more control for less $ And, I already had one on my poetry page and just added one on my music page and decided to keep it all in the family, or in this case, with the same programing/program/website/...

And, I really suck at updating. And dating. And being up. Before noon.

Have I mentioned I'm home alone for 2 weeks? Just me and my cat. And Stargate. And now Hercules!!! Walmart 2/$35 Sweet!!! Season 1 and Pretender season 2 that I've been looking EVERYWHERE for since I got season 1 last year for probably hte same price :) Gotta love aniversary sales.

9:21AM - Movin to the Big house...

Yup, moved into my grama's house to take care of it until it sells. It is HUGE!!! 5000 square feet. It's amazing, and huge and quiet with just me and my kitty. Yes, that's right I have a cat now. She adopted us.

AND!!! On friday, I go down to Vancouver with Shev and Carolyn to do some shopping and go to KORN!!!! YEAH!!! KORN!!! I finally get to go see KORN!!! I'm so excited!! Can't you tell!!! I've loved Korn since I first saw the video for Shoots and Ladders, way back when it first came out. And I've never been able to go to a concert yet :( Very sad for me. But now I get to go, and we're gonna go to the bars down there too, and shop. I've been saving up my money to go. Then I get to drive my lucky sister home from Van and she went to Costa Rica for her birthday. Lucky cow...

But ya, thought I'd update....